The title of my blog is inspired from a Lynn Hale Quote, "We did not change as we grew older; we just become more clearly ourselves."  This appealed to me on so many levels.  My life has changed drastically in the last year and it has affected me and who I am.  I'm a wife, a homeowner, a teacher, a designer, a writer, and a lover of all things beautiful.  I want to share the stories of my trek through life and my adventure becoming more clearly myself.

Answers

I found out yesterday that I have fibromyalgia.

It is strange to have a name to go along with all my symptoms. I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with it. I want to shout it out from the rooftops! Fibromyalgia!! This is why I have been a terrible friend. This is why I cancel on things at the last minute. Why I promise things and can’t follow through. Why I can’t clean my house or cook dinner for my family. I am not lazy! I am sick.

But then again, I want to punch it in the face and kick it in the head. How dare you, Fibromyalgia, take away my life!! You are not a friend of mine!! Go away!! I’m going to go live my life now… and now I need to go lay down and rest for a few days because that wore me out.

I hurt more, I feel more, I sense more.

If you want to know more about how to help someone with Fibromyalgia this is a great article. Please take the time to read it all the way through and don’t skim it if you really love me or someone else who deals with this. This is important stuff…

Not much to say

I don't have much to say today. Why isn't that when I'm on my way to work or getting ready in the morning that I have all these gret ideas of thugs to write about, but when I sit down and have time to actually write I don't have anything to say? I'm pretty sure that was a run on sentence.  

I've already gotten ready for bed and have taken my anti depressant and muscle relaxer. So there's no telling what I will write about if I keep going. 

I put my phone away tonight for two hours. I didn't look at Facebook or Instagram or go online at all. It was nice. I spent time with my Sky. I made dinner.  I watched some pretty good television. I even snuggled with my Otter. He must have been cold, he climbed up in my lap and leaned in as far as he could. It was pretty cute. I'll leave you with my favorite picture of Otto. He's a sweetie. 

I've already broken my New Years Resolution

Well, I did it. I didn't write yesterday. I'm horrible at keeping resolutions and meeting goals. I did, however, spend a lot of time with my daughter yesterday and rested a lot! I am not feeling well. I've been in a lot of pain. So yesterday I spent most of the day in bed. Sky has a new thing she likes to do where she climbs on my back grabs my shirt and says, "Giddy Up, Neigh Neigh!!" "YEE HAW!!" It is adorable. She cracks me up!

Coping

I read, err, more skimmed an article yesterday saying that people who write just 20 minutes, three times a week are healthier. They heal faster and are able to cope with emotional and physical problems more readily than those who don't write.  

I've known this to be true in my life. It is one of the reasons why I've decided to write everyday this year.  I hurt. All. The. Time. I hurt.  It is exhausting. There are some days when I barely notice it. Then there are the rest of the days when it is in the forefront of my mind. 

Before I started writing tonight I was sitting on the sofa watching tv and playing on my phone. I was trying to distract myself from the pain. My legs, hips and shoulders feel like they're being squeezed. Pressure surrounds them. Kind of like when you get your blood pressure taken and the cuff is too tight. Imagine that feeling over half your body, all the time.  Then go about your day working, taking care of your home and your children. Now do it on half the sleep that you need because you wake up every time you move because of the pain. That is my life. 

I love the days when I feel good. I actually have felt pretty good since I started taking an anti inflammatory every day. I'm not really sure what has brought on my most recent bout of inflammation. I don't know what causes me to feel this way. I know I have a degenerated disc that is also arthritic, but that is a different kind of pain than I feel right now. I have hypothyroidism and that accounts for many of my health issues. I suspect I have some sort of auto immune disorder, but I have never been diagnosed. But that doesn't really matter. 

Writing is supposed to help. It is cathartic. It is supposed to help me deal with my problems.  So we'll see.  As of now I've been writing for 19 minutes and I still hurt.  Maybe by the end of next week I won't hurt anymore. What do think?

Standing in the Rain

Tonight I stood in the rain. My old fashioned blue umbrella caught the tiny droplets of chilled water and diverted them away from my head. The rain was more than a mist, but not quite a full downpour. It was a peaceful rain. The lights in the parking lot reflected on the slick asphalt surface. I took the moment I had to myself and breathed in the beauty of a simple Friday night in January. A chill in the air, a warm fuzzy scarf to keep me warm, the rain sparkling in the lights. It was beautiful. 

Dream House

Here I am, sitting here at 7:45 on New Year's Day watching HGTV "Dream Home".  This year's home is in Martha's Vineyard.  I always love watching this show even though I always wonder who the dream home is built for. I've decided that they are built for retired people. They have fantastic master suites. One "bunk room" for the grand kids and one guest room.  They never have offices. I don't know about most people, but we need at least one office in our house. One room for all the kids is kind of ridiculous for a dream house. You would think there would at least be a play room/ game room of some kind.  

HGTV you build a lovely home, but I wish you'd build a dream home for a real family.