Standing in the Rain

Tonight I stood in the rain. My old fashioned blue umbrella caught the tiny droplets of chilled water and diverted them away from my head. The rain was more than a mist, but not quite a full downpour. It was a peaceful rain. The lights in the parking lot reflected on the slick asphalt surface. I took the moment I had to myself and breathed in the beauty of a simple Friday night in January. A chill in the air, a warm fuzzy scarf to keep me warm, the rain sparkling in the lights. It was beautiful. 

Dream House

Here I am, sitting here at 7:45 on New Year's Day watching HGTV "Dream Home".  This year's home is in Martha's Vineyard.  I always love watching this show even though I always wonder who the dream home is built for. I've decided that they are built for retired people. They have fantastic master suites. One "bunk room" for the grand kids and one guest room.  They never have offices. I don't know about most people, but we need at least one office in our house. One room for all the kids is kind of ridiculous for a dream house. You would think there would at least be a play room/ game room of some kind.  

HGTV you build a lovely home, but I wish you'd build a dream home for a real family. 

New Years Resolutions...and me!

I'm not usually one for New Year's resolutions, but I've found myself thinking about things I want to do more this year. I don't want to dwell on the things I should do less; that just gets me down. I figure if I spend my time doing things I enjoy and that I'm good at, then maybe I'll do less of the bad stuff (besides I am going to weight watchers!). 

My resolution this year is to write everyday. Even if it is just for me, I'm going to write.  I have realized I spend countless hours on my phone during the week.  Most of the time it isn't really productive. I don't know how productive writing will be, but I love doing it and it always makes me feel better. 

I'm not looking to be profound or share my daily lessons I've learned.  I'm just going to write. Maybe it will turn into something, maybe not. 

Happy 2015! 

Baby Steps = Big Life Changes

Wow. The last time I wrote was in January. I guess I'm not very good at keeping up with these things. I've made some pretty big changes in my life since January.

I realized in late January, early February that my job was taking a huge toll on my health and happiness. The stress of being an inner city teacher for 9 years had began to break me down. In combination with my bad back and depression, the stress was more than I could take. I was constantly being told that I was not good at my job by my less than stellar principal, which as we all know can get to even the most competent person. I felt like my years of experience and successes were being discounted and put aside.
In addition, the emotional stress of loving my damaged students was becoming too much for me to handle. I had a handful of refugee students who lived through things I can only imagine. Not to mention the students who had been sexually abused, the one whose mother was most likely a prostitute and there were also two students who lost parents during the school year. That was just the beginning of the issues I had to deal with on a daily basis. I loved them all dearly, but I was completely exhausted by the end of the work day and in pain all over. It became impossible for me to do even the smallest of chores at home. My amazing husband tried his best to support me, but our relationship was becoming unequal and that was taking its toll on me too. I felt guilty. It seemed that my priorities were misaligned. I had completely lost myself. So, in order to claim back my life, I quit my job. My district offered an incentive to retire/resign due to a budget shortfall and it seemed like an answer to my prayers. I worked the rest of the year, trying not to be stressed, although it was virtually impossible. I'm pretty sure I would've quite several more times if I hadn't already taken the incentive package.

During the last semester of school I stopped doing weight watchers. I couldn't handle the stress and the counting of points. Really my addiction to food reared its ugly head again. When I get upset or angry or sad, I run to food as an escape. That is what I did. I gained back the 10 lbs that I lost in January, but you know, I'm okay with that. It helped me to realize something about myself and it helped me to make a big decision and take an enormous step to becoming more myself.

It has been a little over a week since school let out. I've lost about 5 lbs. It is amazing what can happen when you cut out the stress from your life. I'm back at weight watchers and counting points. I'm looking for a new job and a more creative life style. I'm inspired and working toward becoming the best version of me that I can be. I pray for guidance and wisdom from God every day. I know without a doubt that HE will take of me.

Losing Myself

I've lost about ten pounds since my last post. Weight Watchers is really working for me right now. I have moments where I feel completely insane and have to have audible conversations with myself in order to make the right decision. It's like having withdrawal symptoms from an addiction. I feel frantic, shaky and weak at times, but I've also had great moments of clarity. It's amazing how good it feels when you make a good choice over your old bad habits. It's a long road, but I'm ahead of my schedule. I'm almost at ten pounds when I should be at 6 for my goal!!

Almost the New Year

I just reread my last post. Wow. It is still so true. I tried to do WW with a group of friends and it went well for over a month. I lost around 10 lbs. Then school started and it fell apart. My job is so stressful that I can't manage to do more than wake up go to school and come home. I tend to crash when I get home.

I did go to the doctor and found out my thyroid is a little low. I'm supposed to start on meds soon. Hopefully that will help with the energy issue. Thyroid issues can also cause depression and a slow metabolism. I'm optimistic that if I get these issues taken care of then I might be able to start working out and eating better.

I'm claiming 2011 as the year to get things done! I'll try to keep you updated on the process of becoming more clearly myself.

What am I so afraid of?

I'm not an idiot. I know that if I keep going the way I am that I will have a heart attack, weigh 400 pounds, have diabetes and be miserable. I know that I am slowly killing myself with the foods I eat and the lack of exercise. I also know what I should do to fix it. I know what foods are healthy. I know I need to be more active. Why can't I just do it? Sure I have some really good excuses. I have a bad back. I'm battling depression. I'm allergic to heat. (I break out into hives when I get really hot.) I also know that more than excuses, they are REASONS to change my ways. It is so difficult. I don't know what is stopping me from changing. Actually I do know. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to fail. Again. I'm afraid of losing things that bring me joy. I'm afraid it will change my relationships. I'm scared of the work that I'll have to do. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the stress of making such a major change in my life. I'm afraid that I won't have support from family and friends. I'm scared that I'll become even more crazy than I already am. How do I overcome these fears?