I've already broken my New Years Resolution

Well, I did it. I didn't write yesterday. I'm horrible at keeping resolutions and meeting goals. I did, however, spend a lot of time with my daughter yesterday and rested a lot! I am not feeling well. I've been in a lot of pain. So yesterday I spent most of the day in bed. Sky has a new thing she likes to do where she climbs on my back grabs my shirt and says, "Giddy Up, Neigh Neigh!!" "YEE HAW!!" It is adorable. She cracks me up!

Coping

I read, err, more skimmed an article yesterday saying that people who write just 20 minutes, three times a week are healthier. They heal faster and are able to cope with emotional and physical problems more readily than those who don't write.  

I've known this to be true in my life. It is one of the reasons why I've decided to write everyday this year.  I hurt. All. The. Time. I hurt.  It is exhausting. There are some days when I barely notice it. Then there are the rest of the days when it is in the forefront of my mind. 

Before I started writing tonight I was sitting on the sofa watching tv and playing on my phone. I was trying to distract myself from the pain. My legs, hips and shoulders feel like they're being squeezed. Pressure surrounds them. Kind of like when you get your blood pressure taken and the cuff is too tight. Imagine that feeling over half your body, all the time.  Then go about your day working, taking care of your home and your children. Now do it on half the sleep that you need because you wake up every time you move because of the pain. That is my life. 

I love the days when I feel good. I actually have felt pretty good since I started taking an anti inflammatory every day. I'm not really sure what has brought on my most recent bout of inflammation. I don't know what causes me to feel this way. I know I have a degenerated disc that is also arthritic, but that is a different kind of pain than I feel right now. I have hypothyroidism and that accounts for many of my health issues. I suspect I have some sort of auto immune disorder, but I have never been diagnosed. But that doesn't really matter. 

Writing is supposed to help. It is cathartic. It is supposed to help me deal with my problems.  So we'll see.  As of now I've been writing for 19 minutes and I still hurt.  Maybe by the end of next week I won't hurt anymore. What do think?

Standing in the Rain

Tonight I stood in the rain. My old fashioned blue umbrella caught the tiny droplets of chilled water and diverted them away from my head. The rain was more than a mist, but not quite a full downpour. It was a peaceful rain. The lights in the parking lot reflected on the slick asphalt surface. I took the moment I had to myself and breathed in the beauty of a simple Friday night in January. A chill in the air, a warm fuzzy scarf to keep me warm, the rain sparkling in the lights. It was beautiful. 

Dream House

Here I am, sitting here at 7:45 on New Year's Day watching HGTV "Dream Home".  This year's home is in Martha's Vineyard.  I always love watching this show even though I always wonder who the dream home is built for. I've decided that they are built for retired people. They have fantastic master suites. One "bunk room" for the grand kids and one guest room.  They never have offices. I don't know about most people, but we need at least one office in our house. One room for all the kids is kind of ridiculous for a dream house. You would think there would at least be a play room/ game room of some kind.  

HGTV you build a lovely home, but I wish you'd build a dream home for a real family. 

New Years Resolutions...and me!

I'm not usually one for New Year's resolutions, but I've found myself thinking about things I want to do more this year. I don't want to dwell on the things I should do less; that just gets me down. I figure if I spend my time doing things I enjoy and that I'm good at, then maybe I'll do less of the bad stuff (besides I am going to weight watchers!). 

My resolution this year is to write everyday. Even if it is just for me, I'm going to write.  I have realized I spend countless hours on my phone during the week.  Most of the time it isn't really productive. I don't know how productive writing will be, but I love doing it and it always makes me feel better. 

I'm not looking to be profound or share my daily lessons I've learned.  I'm just going to write. Maybe it will turn into something, maybe not. 

Happy 2015! 

Baby Steps = Big Life Changes

Wow. The last time I wrote was in January. I guess I'm not very good at keeping up with these things. I've made some pretty big changes in my life since January.

I realized in late January, early February that my job was taking a huge toll on my health and happiness. The stress of being an inner city teacher for 9 years had began to break me down. In combination with my bad back and depression, the stress was more than I could take. I was constantly being told that I was not good at my job by my less than stellar principal, which as we all know can get to even the most competent person. I felt like my years of experience and successes were being discounted and put aside.
In addition, the emotional stress of loving my damaged students was becoming too much for me to handle. I had a handful of refugee students who lived through things I can only imagine. Not to mention the students who had been sexually abused, the one whose mother was most likely a prostitute and there were also two students who lost parents during the school year. That was just the beginning of the issues I had to deal with on a daily basis. I loved them all dearly, but I was completely exhausted by the end of the work day and in pain all over. It became impossible for me to do even the smallest of chores at home. My amazing husband tried his best to support me, but our relationship was becoming unequal and that was taking its toll on me too. I felt guilty. It seemed that my priorities were misaligned. I had completely lost myself. So, in order to claim back my life, I quit my job. My district offered an incentive to retire/resign due to a budget shortfall and it seemed like an answer to my prayers. I worked the rest of the year, trying not to be stressed, although it was virtually impossible. I'm pretty sure I would've quite several more times if I hadn't already taken the incentive package.

During the last semester of school I stopped doing weight watchers. I couldn't handle the stress and the counting of points. Really my addiction to food reared its ugly head again. When I get upset or angry or sad, I run to food as an escape. That is what I did. I gained back the 10 lbs that I lost in January, but you know, I'm okay with that. It helped me to realize something about myself and it helped me to make a big decision and take an enormous step to becoming more myself.

It has been a little over a week since school let out. I've lost about 5 lbs. It is amazing what can happen when you cut out the stress from your life. I'm back at weight watchers and counting points. I'm looking for a new job and a more creative life style. I'm inspired and working toward becoming the best version of me that I can be. I pray for guidance and wisdom from God every day. I know without a doubt that HE will take of me.

Losing Myself

I've lost about ten pounds since my last post. Weight Watchers is really working for me right now. I have moments where I feel completely insane and have to have audible conversations with myself in order to make the right decision. It's like having withdrawal symptoms from an addiction. I feel frantic, shaky and weak at times, but I've also had great moments of clarity. It's amazing how good it feels when you make a good choice over your old bad habits. It's a long road, but I'm ahead of my schedule. I'm almost at ten pounds when I should be at 6 for my goal!!